Tuesday, 26 July 2011

Aussie Rules

Things have been a bit quiet on the sex front recently.  Sometimes life gets in the way and, what with holidays as well, I haven't really had time to nurture any new relationships on IE.  Apart from one bloke, anyway.  An Aussie builder whose photo wasn't particularly inspiring and whose texts are sparse, to say the least.  Still, that's Aussies for you.  My experience of Aussie blokes is as follows:

  1. Brisbane, 1986, bloke rescues me from flat I'm stuck in (blonde moment) and asks me out for a drink.  He turns up so pissed he starts to drive me down the wrong side of a dual carriageway.  I demand to be taken home.
  2. Brisbane, 1986, start seeing a bloke who has recently been dumped by bitch girlfriend.  He is very grateful I want to sleep with him.  We go camping with a load of his mates.  Bitch girlfriend hears about me and gets jealous and turns up to reclaim him.  I am unceremoniously kicked out of the tent and have to sleep in another couple's tent, while he reunites with bitch girlfriend.*
  3. Sydney, 1987, for some inexplicable reason I find I am dating a real-life, full-time Moonie and I hadn't noticed.  Well, it might have been that tribe who go round wearing orange all the time - a cult anyway.  I must have been having a lonely moment.  Long distance round the world travel can have that effect.  Luckily, I escape before being brainwashed.
  4. Sydney, 1987, second date with a bloke, he confesses he is currently on bail for rape.  Did he do it, I ask?  Erm, well, it all depends on how you define rape, apparently.  She said no in the middle of a full-on bondage session, and he carried on.  Well, I can see where there might have been a misunderstanding, but still.....
  5. Sydney, 1987, having a very nice time with a cameraman - he gives great oral sex.  Meet his mate, mate hates me, I am dumped.

Mental note 1987: do not date Australians - a guideline I follow religiously for 24 years (helped by the fact that, back in the UK, I don't meet any).

2011: Still, it's nice getting texts, even if they are sparse ones, so I agree to meet Aussie bloke for a drink.  He suggests daytime, I suggest an evening.  He says, "Ok, but only if you come to me".  Seeing as he lives 20 miles away, I think it is only fair to meet halfway at least - call me demanding, but I thought blokes were supposed to do the running at least until they get you into bed.  So I reply, "why?".  He says "so I can have a drink". 

Now, bearing in mind points 1-5 above, taking particular note of point 1, you can understand why I then decided to ignore him.  In fact, even without points 1-5 above, it is decidedly unflattering to be told someone is only prepared to meet you if they have to make no effort to get there and can get blind drunk as well. 

AB finally notices I'm ignoring his increasingly plaintive texts and asks what he did to upset me.  I graciously explain and he says "oh don't worry, I'll come to you and just get a taxi".  Great!  That's OK then - cos I'm dead keen on dating alcoholics.  He says I am misunderstanding him and it's all coming out wrong.  Finally, I agree to meet him for a non-committal, non-alcoholic coffee the next time he is in Brighton (but only cos he's a builder and he might be useful).

Having made A Stand, I relax and we start texting as before.  Funnily enough, I seem to enjoy them a bit more and am even having a nice little fantasy on Sunday morning about meeting up with him in bed.  But I def don't fancy him so time I got back on IE and find someone else, I think.  However, suddenly, after getting back from work on Monday evening, I find I somehow seem to have arranged to meet AB in Steyning for a drink at 8.30pm.  How did that happen?  Bugger, now I have to go and wash my hair, slap on some make up etc.  And I suppose I will have to make an effort and dress a bit sexy cos, even though I'm not going to fancy him, I'd like him to fancy me.

Having spent longer than I should have done deciding what shoes to wear, I am running a bit late, but I make it into the pub about 8.40 - and see him sitting near the bar and he is........ oh my god....... gorgeous.  I am so pleasantly surprised that I am almost in shock for a few minutes and have no idea what I say for probably the first 15 minutes.  Luckily we get on really well as the evening goes on, and he is full of funny stories - trouble is, I keep being distracted by what a sexy smile he has and my eyes start glazing over as I imagine being in bed with him.  Do blokes have this problem, I wonder?  Is that why they don't appear to be listening when you tell them what you think is a riveting bit of information?  Is it because they are actually thinking about what it would be like to get all your clothes off?  Because that was definitely what I kept thinking with AB.  I am very definitely head over heels in Lust and I want to go to bed with this man very soon.....

Unfortunately, the evening takes a slight downward turn when he starts going on about all the other women he has been chatting to and it then turns out that he has only been able to see me tonight because another woman blew him out.  Hmmmmm, don't know if all that is supposed to make me keener but it has the opposite effect and I decide it's time I went home.  I mean, it's not enough to put me off completely, but no one wants to feel that they are one of many options, even if they are.  Still, on the plus side, at least he's up front and at least he's not going to mind if I shag other blokes as well.

He walks me back to my car and we have a good night snog.  Several good night snogs.  In fact, the snogging is so nice I nearly say yes when he asks if I want to go back to his house with him.  I seriously want to get his kit off.  His body feels really nice under his shirt and his jeans and I am in danger of creating a public nuisance in Steyning High Street if I carry on enjoying myself this much.  We agree to meet on Thursday evening for some full on enjoyment somewhere more private.  Luckily he has somewhere to go (my flat is still in disrepair).

So, knowing my luck, one of the following will happen before Thursday:
  • his wife will come back early
  • his place will burn down in a freak accident
  • he will have an uncharacteristic attack of the guilts
  • now I'm keen on him he will go off me
I'll keep you posted as to which one it is....

*bitch girlfriend ended up marrying this guy and they had 4 kids and are still together, so I suppose it was the path of true love, etc etc....

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